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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Afraid of fear

I have friends! I know you have probably heard that before, but today my life hit me in a whole new way. I love how I keep getting to experience love in a deeper way.

I packed for California today. I am still excited to go, but the idea of leaving Jersey made me sad. It feels like I am leaving family to visit family. I am so excited to do January’s work that I will have to really discipline myself to rest on vacation. I just saw an article on resting being really good for creative juices. Maybe I can keep that in mind as I wind down for a week underneath the redwoods of the west.

It is all a bit emotional anyway because I am going where I went after hitting rock bottom. I was so low when I was there. I wish there were pictures or video to truly remind me what sin did. I am intimidated by visiting a place I replaced one addiction for another. I suppose I should be less afraid. After all, I live in an apartment where there is an unpleasant history before the pleasant one. Just because the location has bad memories doesn’t mean relapse has to occur.

I am in desperate need to re-establish my God time. Today I tried to work through my current fear of spending time with God during my God time. I made a list of all the reasons I was currently afraid. One of the things I was afraid of was being afraid. Odd, but true. It seems I am mostly afraid of becoming more dependent on God. The amazingness of the x time week scared me. If I end up spending that much time with God, (a) people will think I am a fruit cake (so I won’t tell them), (b) I will feel really broken because I am clearly incompetent on my own, (c) I may actually get something productive done with my life because I will have a clear mind. I am sure there is a d, e and f also.

I came home from a babysitting job during the last paragraph. On the way home, I became wildly excited to head out to California. Oh, why does it have to be 36 hours away!?

Now off to bed.

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. – Colossians 3:16

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