About 5 o’clock this afternoon it dawned on me maybe I should start working and do something with my day. Then I realized I was working and indeed had been all day. This is what I love about my life. I am in some sort of weird dream. Life is really good. There is pain in it. A lot of pain in it sometimes. I get to love a lot of people in pain. But I am alive now.
It is almost like all my dreams are coming true. Like everything I ever wanted God is giving me in precious present. (pun intended. oh, boy) Okay, let’s tell the truth. This is not the life I dreamed about. I didn’t know how to dream it. I didn’t know it could be. There are so many elements of my life I literally did not know were possible. I cannot name them specifically here in case someone reads this, but know it is amazing. I have community. I have family. I have people who surround me and believe in the infinite, everlasting power of the Most High God. I am in a dream, and I have dreams. Oodles and oodles of them.
Between 7 and 9 tonight I took a sabbath. I breaked from what I was doing and only watched one show, while doing nothing but eating ice cream and amazing sweet potato casserole. I think the latter is my favorite food. I had had a conversation about money again today. I called a close friend and vented on her just a bit about the journey God has me walking in this area. But even in my venting it wasn’t that I was complaining about what money I had, I honestly was complaining about how I had begun to look to the left and to the right to decide whether I was okay.
Today I prepared to share a part of my story where I had let go of control entirely and told God I would just serve Him in the areas He was calling me and allow Him to fix it. I couldn’t spend anymore time trying to fix it myself. I didn’t understand it and I was done trying to figure it out and do it myself. He was faithful. Today my life doesn’t revolve around sex or my sexuality. He is faithful.
As I finished watching the finale of MasterChef, I had a revelation. I should do with money what I did with sex. Focus on serving God, and allow Him to change my heart. A classic practice-what-you-preach moment. I definitely have been having a conversation with God about provision. I am content, I truly am. But there is a conflict within me. The conflict wonders if I am as valued as those around me. The conflict comes from other issues in the dark corners of my heart. I am so content when I am not looking to my right and looking to my left, but focusing on God. I practically drip honey.
Today my friend got mad for me. “You can’t keep living like this! Barely scraping by!” Excuse me, I am not barely scraping by. I know I said those very words to God as I walked down the street the other day. Then I laughed because why couldn’t I? I can be content in every situation because I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.
I looked back in my journal today and read a few entries from April. I can’t answer all your theological questions, but I can tell you this, “My God reigns!”
Last night I watched about 20 dances on YouTube after journaling. Truly it was for research. I would never tempt myself without good reason. But an interesting thing happened. After the first few where I thought, “Wow! This is amazing.”, I saw ashes. Not literally. I admired the dancing, but it is ashes to me. I don’t know which month I journaled here about it, but that is not what happened the last time I was in a similar situation. My! God! Reigns!
How I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but you didn’t have the chance to help me. Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ,c who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:10-13
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:20-21
He who is the faithful witness to all these things says, “Yes, I am coming soon!”
Amen! Come, Lord Jesus!
May the grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s holy people. – Revelations 22:20-21