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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Abide in Him

I think today was a really bad day. I am tired of the rollercoaster I seem to be on. Today by this evening I called someone on the phone who is much older than me and at least somewhat wiser. She said I should be spending more time praying. I think so, too. I have been going to the phone instead of the throne a lot. That is why I called her. It was in this conversation I gave up.

“Fine,” I said, “I will take more time in the morning just to talk to God.” It is not that I do not want to. It is more that I have never considered why I should spend more time with Him in the morning than I already do. I feel quite relieved that I have more time with Him tomorrow morning. Maybe for the first time in a month or more I will feel filled up by the time I move on with my day.

I feel like I am grieving a major loss in my life right now. I do not know what it is. Hmmm. Maybe I am grieving a loss of control. I used to try to control my pain and my problems and my image. Part of step 2 is grieving. Sometimes I need to grieve I am not God before I can surrender to God.

My life is just so out of my control these last few months. I should have been prepared for it to be out of control. I just was not. I knew I was a little bit of a control freak. It is why I walk instead of take trains and buses. I do not like to depend on people or things even for a ride. Put me in a situation where my needs inconvenience others, and I become really annoyed because then I need something and know I am taking. I still do not like to need anyone. I love lots of people, but I do not like to need things or people.

Quite a bit earlier today I was reminded by one of my infamous meltdowns. It happened about four years ago with a friend who got too close. Historically, when people get too close I have a very unfriendly meltdown to push them back. Sometimes I am afraid that is what is going to happen here. What would these people do if I had a meltdown? What if I did that to them? I do not want to have a meltdown. I do not want to say all kinds of mean things just to push people away.

That is why I need more time with God tomorrow morning. So I do not run. I am starting to want to run, but I have nowhere I want to run to. I need more time with God.

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. – John 15:4

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