Very life-changing day! I almost said traumatic, but I did not want to overstate it. So I had my second emotional breakdown of February. Lots of tears, crying, praying with a close confidant of mine. The walls in my life are crashing down right now. It is a painful process, but it is happening.
I seem to be feeling better physically. Better enough that I am craving sweets. Generally when I am sick I crave healthy food. I felt much better physically after my emotional breakdown. Maybe there is a connection.
Today was hard on many levels. I learned about gods I have left in my life. I cleaned out my sinuses in prayer with God. I cried a lot. It’s really painful, but it is how my walls have to come down. I came to the place where I knew the only thing I need to be satisfied is peace with God, but as I told God in my prayer, “Right now that is not enough. I think I need more.” I know I need nothing else. I know it is the only thing my heart craves and desires. Right standing with God. Peace and joy as I serve only Him. A razor sharp focus on only Him.
As my tears dried on my way to work this afternoon, I told God I wanted to come to a place again where I am willing to give everything to Him again. “Am I supposed to be doing this? Am I still supposed to be doing this? Am I supposed to be doing this already?” There are so many people and places that have wormed their way into a very special part of my heart. They may be coming very close to idol status.
I readjusted my focus. This is not my home. I may live in this apartment another 10 years, but it is not my home. Heaven is. I am but a stranger here. I have a mission here. I have a community and family here, but heaven is our home. Today before I talked to my friend, I just curled up on my bed and said, “God, I want to come home. I love all these people, but they can live without me. I am tired. I want to come home.”
Some of it was wanting an escape. Who wouldn’t want one from the dreariness of this life? I have also been wanting vodka every now and again. No, Laura, no more vodka for you, hopefully forever.
I am but a stranger here. Heaven is my home.
I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me. – Philippians 1:20-26
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