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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

A Promised Land

The best part about my day is I had several times where I tuned in to just God without doing it because it was on my schedule to do so at that time. Since I am no longer in the intense pain I was the first time I went through step 4 about nine months ago, I find it harder to be aware of God throughout my day. Pain is generally an isolator, but it did have me running to God constantly. I want to learn to just be with God.

I did more inventory in quiet time this morning. I had a wonderful day with my various children. I didn’t multitask because I am almost done with babysitting regularly for my very favorite two-year-olds on earth. I wanted to just focus on them and not have my mind elsewhere. So all my schoolwork and computer work stayed home. Who cares if they take a two-hour nap? I can just relax, so it felt like a bit of a sabbath because of the relaxing.

I cannot think of anything else to say though it feels like I made leaps and bounds in recovery today. I have a quiet brain. I have peace. I think I have already said this, but I have decided during this inventory to never decide a hurt is too small to bother processing and forgiving or a guilt is too little to come clean about. Hey, I want to get rid of all this!

I am still struggling with my public position. It doesn’t seem like I am going to live a very anonymous, quiet, calm, boring life. I do not want a boring life, but I never dreamed I would mess up so badly in life I would be qualified to serve in the positions I am in. Some days it is unbelievably hard to process how I got to where I am. The pain, the healing, the falls, the growth, the admitting. The admitting is the part I think I have the hardest time believing. Who knew I would have the nerve to face what was inside of me? I did for one reason: The pain got so intense I could repress it no longer. It almost feels like I had no choice in the matter.

Tonight I go out thankful and praising God. I must be living my life for Him because who in their right mind would want to live this “dream”? But it is a dream. I thought just a few minutes ago as I relaxed and watched Chopped, “I think I have made it to the Promised Land because this sure doesn’t feel like a desert.” Yes, I have an abundant life.

Because of Christ and our faith in him, we can now come boldly and confidently into God’s presence. So please don’t lose heart because of my trials here. I am suffering for you, so you should feel honored.

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:12-21


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