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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

A promise

Well, today was a very interesting day. Let me begin to tell you in the words I began journaling with right before 5 o’clock. (I generally do not ever blog until right before bed.)

“Honestly it is just one of those ‘I quit. Why can’t I just be rich like the rest of the world?’ days. I had a fine and dandy time with the Apostle John this morning. Read all four of his books. I do love how he is such an advocate for grace and truth. I do really love his perspective. I am thinking about taking more than one week on these books. I am sort of amused by myself for reading more than one book a week. Galatians was really good last week. Apparently I just had to complain about how many times I had read it before I could begin to enjoy it again. I love the way 1 John ends. ‘Little children, keep yourselves from idols.’

After finishing reading, I proceeded to go grocery shopping. I had to go, but it was what made my day tough. Checking my bank account and budget very quickly brought me to that ‘I know You always give me enough but why does it always have to be barely enough?’ place.”

I wrote that leaning against a building in the West Village. Hoping for a few minutes of peace to change my terrible feelings from the last few hours before stepping into my SSA support group. I would have written more, but someone else arrived and it would have been weird to say, “Hey, do you actually mind if I just stand outside for about fifteen more minutes?”

The feelings I have been journaling over the last few days about being thankful God always provides enough no matter how little I make or how much I give have been very genuine. So I was more than a little blindsided today to find myself, sitting on my bed with my head in my hands, crying over my financial situation. I did notice today something I never noticed before. That is that during the times in my life when I am pouring the most into other people and ministry, I have the least pouring into me. For a couple hours today I became entirely sick of living at the poverty level. Honestly, I don’t know how poor people do it.

I was doing so well. I do not know where all this came from. I even got all in my head and critical. I can do that sometimes. I used to do it a lot. It is hard to not look to the right and look to the left. Today I was more critical than jealous. Maybe because I have been living like me for so long that I can no longer fathom what it would mean to go the grocery store and buy whatever I wanted for my week. Store brand ice cream is a luxury item in my budget. The non-store brand chocolate syrup that goes on top is a triple luxury, and one I allowed myself today since it was on sale. No pickles. Just chocolate. Good choice.

The odd part is with all my grumbling and all the times I have to let God clean the criticism and envy from my heart, it is not on my bucket list to have more than I have now. It is not one of the things I really want in life. It is not one of the things I am pursuing. In some ways, I do not want it at all because here I have met God. When I had enough for tomorrow, too, it was like manna. When I saved it until the next day, it rotted.

I have other things on my bucket list. Someday I want to know how to be content in every situation (especially the ones where I am rich). I want to actually take everything I have and give it to the poor. Then keep doing that. I want to publish a lot of books. I want to leverage all that income and platform for the good of the world. I want to marry a man, who is pursuing God in the same intense fashion I am. But I only want to marry him if we can serve God better together than separately. I want to know God more each day. Someday I want to truly be able to wake up, spend one day following God completely while content and filled with His joy, and go back to sleep. Then I want to do that again and again and again and again.

Mostly I just want to know Him. As I was crying this afternoon, I cried that I would still need to have faith for about fifty more years. Faith will not be sight for a very long time, but I have a promise that someday it will be.

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. – 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

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