I had a hard day. I am not entirely sure why. Maybe it is my “Elijah moment” – the hard time after the spiritual high. I struggled. For part of the day I did not even struggle; I just plain wallowed. I did not want to wallow, but I was just mad. One of my friends asked me how I was. I just woke up a b****. It’s not been a good morning. It was even a hard afternoon, but everything changed at 4 pm. 4 pm is a good time on Sunday.
CR is a good place to be when one is down. It is a good place to be when one is struggling. It popped me out of my bitchiness just like that. Church did a little. It was a really good message; but by about a half hour after the message, I was back in my funk. Aw man, but that sucked.
It is absolutely incredible how much change the last year has brought. Last night after blogging, I went back to my April 14 post from last year because it was one of my Easter posts from last year. I wanted to see the difference in me. The post is titled “There are some disgusting days”. It was a disgusting day.
I am still thinking about God’s redemption and how I tell my story. You know two years and eight months ago when I came to Hoboken, I looked at little children in the nursery and never cared about them. My feelings felt nothing when I thought of their eternal destiny. Instead of quitting, I decided to stay and ask God to change my heart. I think that has been the story of my service. Shut up, serve and ask God to change my heart. I think it has worked. He has changed me. I do not have a heart of stone. I have a heart of flesh. I care. I cry. I laugh. Somedays I wake up a b****. I am alive. I want the whole world to know Him because if He can change me, He can change anyone. I am absolutely certain of it.
I am changed in His presence. Never, ever the same.
Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations. – Ezekiel 36:25-27