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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

A God of Pursuit

Tessa chose to close her eyes and listen. It was a song about unending love. One thing remained. God’s love for the singer. God’s love in general. It went on and on and on and on. Tessa opened her mouth to sing in an effort to look like she belonged, but she could not force the words from her lips.

God’s love had failed her. For the first time in years she thought of the little girl she was in Sunday school. The teacher told her God loved her. God loved everyone. “Jesus loves me, this I know.” Tessa believed her. Back then, Tessa believed in everything. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy. She learned the Tooth Fairy did not exist when she woke up one night as her mom snuck a quarter under her pillow and removed the tooth. She quit believing in Santa when Sara proudly announced her own discovery of the fiction. Both discoveries were less than traumatic. If only that could be said of her discovery that God was not a God of love.

Tears began to trace down her cheeks. Love? Not likely. Apathy. Indifference. Maybe. Anger rose within her. Neglected. Abandoned. Alone. She had lived so much of her life alone. Isolated from ever allowing anyone to really know her. Smiling, so no one knew there was anything wrong. She opened her mouth to sing once again. Her voice broke. Why had she come?…

Tessa ran along the skyline. Anger filled her. Drat the stupid church anyway. What had possessed her to go? Yeah, Leah and her friends were nice enough, but church? God? Those people were fools. God was no God of love. Look at her life! If God existed, he had it in for her.

After years of abuse as a child, she escaped to college. In fairness college was a pretty good time. Years of semi-loneliness working in the city of dreams followed. She thought about the year and a half since she met Rhea. Life had taken a turn for the better. It was fun and filled with adventure. She was no longer lonely, but there was still something missing. Her relationship with Rhea was sweet. Early in the relationship they decided to take it slow. Lingering kisses led to passionate nights. Eventually Tessa somewhat reluctantly agreed to leave the yuppie-burb and move farther into the suburbs with Rhea.

The move added some tension to their relationship. Parts of the move were nice. It was nice to have a home with the one she loved, but it was inconvenient to be even farther from the city of dreams. It was inconvenient to have to run a mile to the skyline to run a few miles along the skyline before she ran home. But Tessa resented more than the location change. Something about their relationship changed. Sometimes Tessa felt like she was losing her voice, but she reminded herself it was only because Rhea cared. Monogamous relationships were everything they were cracked up to be — hard.

No, life was not easy, and God was not a God of love. It was time to clear her head. Tonight Rhea was taking her on a special date. The activities planned were a surprise. Tessa only knew she should be dressed to the nines. She quickened her pace. As she ran, she focused her mind on the positive parts of life. She listened to the pounding of her feet on the concrete. If God was pursuing her, he was going to have a hard time catching up.

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