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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

A flopping fish

I have no idea where I am in my life right now, but I can tell you I know I am way over booked. I know all kinds of things about what I am supposed to give up eventually. Just not what I should have given up already or where I went wrong and why I am so far behind.

Though I am technically not sure if I am behind or just think I am behind. No, I am definitely behind right now. I do not have time to emotionally catch up with myself. That seems to be the real problem. I do not even feel like doing creative writing I am so out of it. It always takes me pushing myself past the point of being too tired to write to remember I need rest to be creative. Time is a tiny factor in the process.

I really battled having vain imaginations today. I do not know what else to call it. I imagine these worse case scenarios in how certain relationships end over and over again. It may be a record on this blog, but for once I am not talking about my relationships with men.

I never know how to get out of the cycle of focusing on something bad that might happen at some point or like in the next week. Especially when it is something I have no control over.

For the most part I had a really peaceful day. Even my vain imaginations were not really filled with fear; they were just filled with morbidity and fatalism. My emotional drama and growth yesterday made me feel really thankful for the real, vibrant, amazing people I have in my life now. I received so much joy from the babies I babysit today. I do not think I have ever enjoyed them this much.

It is awesome how letting go of the past, stepping out of denial and being transparent with people always leads to more joy, life and love in my healthy relationships. It is like I become more free to enjoy life every time I face my fears, insecurities and people who used to scare me and now just do not.

Free. I am becoming free to live. Sometimes I feel like an animal left out of a cage for the first time in their life. Dazed and confused. I know I should be dancing and singing, so I dance and sing; but I am utterly confused what to do with myself now that I am actually out of the cage. I must have still been spending a lot of energy on certain relationships to be so at a loss what to do without that negative driving force in my life. I did not know it was still driving me, but it must have been because being so much freer today than I was two days ago is confusing me. I am a fish out of water, and I am just flopping around today.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6

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