Today was so much better. I have no idea how it took me so long to realize my toxic thought patterns. The thought patterns that were keeping me isolated from relationship and trust. I realized it yesterday while texting a friend. This morning I was careful not to fall into the trap of the stinking thinking in my quiet time. Tomorrow morning I hope will be the same.
Over the last few months, occasionally someone will suggest to me that maybe I am lonely. Maybe I shouldn’t live alone or work alone or whatever. I thought about this today. I do not mind being alone with only myself. I mind being in a crowded room – it is when I most often have felt alone. When I am surrounded by people I feel no connection with or whom I have decided not to trust. Sometimes it is in a roomful of people whose trust and acceptance I desperately crave but refuse to accept.
The number of people around me who love me is not what keeps me alone. It is my lack of trust, communication and relationship that isolates me. I do not have a loneliness problem so much as I have an isolation problem. That voice from my past that reminds me I will never fit in with a group of people I love. I must always observe from the outside what I long to be a part of. It is all lies, but I habitually believe it. I know I do because that is why I let myself believe that people who love me are out to get me or do not like or value me at all. I struggle with this almost all the time.
In 2015 I want to learn how to view myself as a person who is an integral part of a relationship instead of an object that serves a function in someone’s life. Actually, I would as soon as learn that in the last few weeks of 2014.
My thought life was so enjoyable today. I do not think I spent any time defending myself against imaginary attacks made against me by people who love me. Generally, I live in fear of rejection, which creates a toxic thought pattern. I do not feel rejected right now. I feel like I am learning. I want to continue to be open to continuing to learn. It is humbling to know the list of sins I commit against others is so long. I wouldn’t want to make amends with them on the basis of who owes who what. I would come up short!
I am not spending as much time with God as I would like to this week. I keep getting distracted by creating media. Hey, I am having fun! How often do I get to do that?
I want to become more aware of His presence throughout the day. Now that my guts no longer scream with pain, it is harder to be aware of my need for Him all day long.
If you love me, obey my commandments. – John 14:15
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