Yesterday seems like a year ago, so does the conversation I had yesterday. I am so excited to be becoming free. I never thought I would ever tell anyone those things. Surely now I must have stepped out of denial and confessed everything, right? What more could I possibly be forgetting? Maybe in another year as I lead and go through another step study, I will discover more. Though I am sure God will not let it take that long.
Today I fought complete exhaustion. I think I may just have a cold from the kids I babysit, but it is probably also because I have been compromising my sabbaths a bit. Had I not avoided the emotion, I would have had the opportunity to write another couple thousand words. The idea exhausted me so much I never managed to even open the document. But meeting with a friend and then going to small group tonight entirely revitalized me. To think I almost decided to be sick and stay home!
I answered my least favorite question in the entire step study program this morning in quiet time. How do your feelings for your earthly father and Heavenly Father differ? How are they alike?
As I have begun to process my birthday and this holiday season, I hope to continue to feel the pain. Going back to the conversation I had on May 11 on Mother’s Day, I want to continue to experience the pain of brokenness. I do not want to become hard or callous in order to make life easier. I do not want to become used to it and turn apathetic. I want to notice the line in the center of the room, and I want to cry over it. I hope to cry this holiday season for everything I did not have and do not have. I hope to pray for everything I may have someday.
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. – 2 Peter 3:9