I need to remember Tuesday nights more often. Tuesday nights are the big payoff to a hard week. They are the payoff to any kind of week really. Every single sacrifice I have made in my service at every point becomes worth it on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Who cares if Sundays are hard when I have the weekdays to balance it! Okay, I do care at least a little.
Today was an extremely rough day. I cried more than a little. I lived in constant fear. Not as much fear as I had two years ago, but more fear than I have had recently. How am I supposed to get anything done in my life when I am so wrapped up in fear?
In step study tonight, we started step four. So naturally there was some version of the question, “What do you fear?” I fear vulnerability. I fear setting boundaries then having people decide not to have a relationship with me because of them. I fear people taking advantage of my vulnerability and attacking me when I am down. For some reason, I am really afraid of not having enough to eat. One would think the weight I have gained lately would help with the last fear.
Most of all I fear the future. I fear leading. I fear having people come to me for advice I cannot give, (which is exactly what I will tell them!). Today I feared everything.
I have a little card I created. On it are the words a local pastor shared with me. On the front of the card it says, “Sin I choose ____________.” On the back of the card it says, “Because Jesus died in my place…Because Jesus paid my debt….Because God poured his wrath for me out on Jesus…Because this sin will qualify me for more of His grace, I am going to do it.”
Today I chose to walk in fear. I hate to call it sin. That is what I told my step study sisters tonight. But not trusting God is sin, so that is what it is. I hate that word. Sin. It sounds so dirty. So sinful.
Odd. I just thought of a new way to apply a different part of Romans. It is an pre-Jesus part of Romans, so bear with me. All day I lived in fear. Now this fear makes me want to escape; but since I lead CR, I no longer can choose my old escapes. No alcohol, sex, porn or dancing for me. I started to think of new ways I could bury my pain without losing sobriety. What if I chose a different vice? One that is not my pet habit yet? Would that count as losing my sobriety?
It sort of applies to the new ways of sinning part in Romans 1. How people without God invent new ways of sinning. I am not without God, but I was looking away from God willingly. Too frozen in fear to want to look back. Lately I have good quiet time with Him in the morning. Then I spend the rest of the day being afraid of coming to Him. About 6 pm, suddenly my fear broke off me. I have no idea why. I had peace and joy. It certainly was not because I was fighting in the battle. I had given in to the enemy. Someone else must have fought for me.
Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” – Matthew 28:18-20