What a day! It began with realizing during my morning quiet time that I am pretty sure I am projecting anger I am feeling towards God onto people. Maybe there is some unforgiveness towards people. I talked about that yesterday, but it seems I am mad at God. This revelation was a real surprise to me since I had only just answered in my step study questions that I had no reason to “make amends with” God right now. I had taken care of that a few years ago. Well, what do you know?
One of the things I seem to currently be angry about is that the prosperity gospel isn’t true. It would be nice if loads of money would come my way. God could make me rich if He wanted. I told a friend that today. Then I added, “Of course, if I was rich, I would just have to give it all away anyway.” Sometimes there is a lot of self denial in following Jesus. My friend asked me why I was angry. I gave my friend like ten reasons and said I could keep going for about twenty more if I tried. My friend thought it would be okay to be mad for a little while. It was human. Allow myself to process it. All that jazz. That answer made me mad because I should not be mad, I should just submit to God! But I knew my friend was right.
Then I put it more in CR language. I thought of the text, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.” I thought maybe it was okay if I allowed myself to grieve for the things I had to give up as I followed Jesus. Maybe this is one of the ways the text applies. I have grieved for a lot of things. Maybe it is okay if I grieve for whatever it is that I am grieving right now.
As I walked home from school, I chatted with a long-distance friend on the phone. I just had to tell someone I had finished the first draft of my novel! I have told lots of people by texting, but I wanted to hear someone’s congratulate me with their voice. As I talked to her about my morning and my struggle to once again come to terms with my finances, I said, “We will all die with the same amount anyway.” So I came home and hung up a sign that says pretty much that. It is positioned so I can see it from where I write.
One of the other things I am angry about is feeling lonely. I do not see why I am starting to feel lonely more. I should be feeling lonely less. I have more friends than I ever have. People actually know me now. It isn’t like years ago when I aimed for calm, cool and collected (and ended up with calm, cold and collected). I should be feeling loved. My only explanation for why I feel lonely is that I can feel more now, so now I know I am lonely. I used to just say I was hyper-independent. (Then I started going on food fasts. Turns out I need food, or I will die. So I quit thinking I am independent at all.)
I am also angry because I do not know if I like the new me. The new me is not the person I want her to be. Without her walls, her spoken grammar is even worse. There are lots of other things I don’t know if I like either. It is hard to be new.
I do have a few celebrations though. The biggest I cannot share here. (Mostly because I am too proud to do so.) But I have noticed over the last few weeks that steps 8 and 9 are having the same effect on my life as they did last time. I am learning to say no. I have said “no” twice in new situations lately. It felt really good. I am excited about that because I am not sure I can actually say “yes” until I can say “no”.
Anyway, the day ended with step group. My life is good.
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it. – Matthew 10:37-39