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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

1,2,3 1,2,3 drink

What an incredibly horrible last 24 hours. Absolutely atrocious. It started with me crying myself to sleep last night. That was unpleasant. I told God if He wanted me to wake up to go to the earliest Easter service this morning, He could wake me up early; and He did. Four blissful hours followed, but they were the highlight of my day. Then came 8 really hard hours, followed by two hours that certainly made me more cheerful.

I do not even know what to say. It was certainly the hardest day I have had since last summer. It simply has got to be. It was horrible. It really began last night. It is just awful. I want to quit, but I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. Last night I thought sin was a bitch. Yeah, recovery is, too.

I had about an hour to spend in the park before having Sunday night dinner with my friends. I was so incredibly broken. For a brief hour and a half, my world was a bit better because I was at CR; but by the time I left, I was back in the cycle of awfulness. I had horrible, awful thoughts on my walk. I started to think of sordid poetry I was going to write when I got to the park. The weirdest thing happened when I got to the park. I got out my notebook, and I wanted to write down all the awfulness, anger and pain. Instead, I seemed only able to write one thing: I will not boast of anything. // No gifts no power no wisdom // but I will boast in Jesus Christ // His death and resurrection.

I wish I could say I immediately became so positive, but I did not. I put my head in my hands and just cried. I had thoughts I had not thought in five or six years. Very negative thoughts. It has been so long since I have thought about how a knife would feel against my skin. I can remember the last time I did. It was so long ago. Sin is a bitch.

I will be super happy when I get to go home and see God in heaven. Where sin is no longer a bitch because it does not exist. Where pain is gone, and there is no weeping. Where I will not sit alone when I cry, but He will wipe away my every tear.

Am I suicidal? No, even as I sat there and the fantasy was so tempting, I knew I do not want to go until He says my time is over. I do not want to make that decision myself. I am here to do His work, and I am mostly happy doing it. It is just relationships are so painful for someone as broken as me. Life is so painful.

Earlier today a song came into my life. One about drinking. 1,2,3 1,2,3 drink. Which basically is what I wanted all day – to drink. I had unpleasant lyrics to go through my head reminding me how nice it would be to find oblivion. The weird part? I was really thirsty for orange juice. I craved it, not vodka. Let’s just be honest, they do not have the same effect.

I am an addict, but I am learning on more than the surface levels that my comfort will only come from Jesus. Earlier today I was at home, I could not even get myself to eat ice cream. Not going to help the pain anyway, I told myself. On my way to the park, I thought it felt very much like someone had shoved a knife in my heart and was just twisting it. It felt very much like last summer when I was just a pawn in a world of pain. If I was going to live, all I would feel is pain. That is how I feel right now. Pain. I am in a sea of pain, and I am drowning.

Recovery is a bitch.

But I will say, compared to last year when I was a pawn in a world of pain, there is a difference. My footing is more securely on the Rock this year. Last year it was as secure as I knew how to make it, but this year is different. I do not even know how to describe the feelings as I stood on the skyline. There was a peace. It felt like God was there in all my pain. He surrounded me.

I do not understand. I am still in pain. I am crying, and I think I will cry myself to sleep. I am in a sea of pain. I am drowning. I have been defeated.

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come.” Let anyone who hears this say, “Come.” Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life. – Revelations 22:17

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